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April 20, 2017
ANNOYING ROOMMATE? Sex-crazed spouse? Chatty seatmate on the plane? What can you do after a long, hard day when all you really want to do is relax, but the people around you aren’t having it? Why, fake sleeping, of course.
Fake sleeping can come in handy in any number of instances — when you really want to tune out that extended family that’s come to spend the holiday or when it’s your turn to do the dinner dishes. A hearty fake snore and a little drool may be all you need to avoid all manner of unpleasantness, and best of all — it won’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
Of course, in order for feigned sleep to work, it has to look good. You’ll need to incorporate all the elements you would normally have when sleeping. This could include drool, an overbearing snore and even conversation. Do you wax chatty in your sleep? Better keep up the banter when you’re faking too, or you’ll be doing those dinner dishes after all.
When your asleep, your breathing calms and your heart rate slows down. Your eyes may move behind your eyelids when you’ve entered REM sleep, so even if your eyes move around a bit, you can still look like you’re decidedly “away from your desk.”
Faking sleep yourself is all well and good, but how can tell if that slacker of a college dorm buddy is doing it too? Notice how they’re breathing. Even and shallow means they’re truly down for the count. Anything else leans toward fakery. They could, sadly, be using your own technique of fake-sleep breathing too. What nerve.
In this instance, you can always try the old face flick. Emergency responders use it sometimes to try to determine whether a person is truly out or just playing possum. One gentle flick to the upper cheek with your thumb and forefinger is typically all you’ll need to get results. If your roomie is faking, he or she will flinch. If not, you’ll wake your roomie rudely, and breakfast will be on you for the entire next week.
Now, if you snore when you sleep, your life just became more complicated if you’re trying to fool the person who typically sleeps in the same room with you. Not many of us know what we sound like when snoring. Unless your significant other has been kind enough to record the beastly noises you produce each night, you’re really going to have no idea what your snore sounds like. In this instance, it’s best to forego fake snoring altogether and just shoot for the “I’m so exhausted, I can’t even snore” effect.
It could work.
The next time you have a desperate need to discourage people from communicating with you, go for the fake nap. Most people won’t challenge a person who’s passed out on the couch or an airplane in the middle of the day, and for those who do, you can always rely on your own fake-sleep tactics.
Let’s just hope they’re not in on the face flick too.